And I expect you to hold me together when

my bones are dense with the heavy sadness                      

that weighs down my shoulders. And I want

you to kiss away the insecurities and whisper            

thoughts of life that mask those of death.

And then I realize how big these expectations            

are and how they exceed what I would ever

deserve because how can I expect you to

love me when I don’t even love myself.         

 

And I expect you to pull me out of the

darkest water where my thoughts always

seem to drown me. And I want you to play

with my hair as if it were made of gold,

as if I was worth anything more than the

nothing I have labeled myself to be. And

then again I realize how big these expectations

are and how they still exceed anything I

would ever deserve, because how can I expect

you to think I’m beautiful when I don’t even

think I’m beautiful.

 

And I expect you to be my shelter from the

longest nights who’s wind whips whispers of

hate in my ear. And I want you to put me on a

pedestal high above my nothing great dreams

and my never got to goals and look at me like

none of that mattered. And then I realized how

big these expectations are and how again they

will always exceed anything I deserve because

how can I expect you to think I’m not worthless,

when I don’t even think I’m not worthless.

 

And I expect you to gently wipe away my tears before

they create a tidal wave you end up being washed

away on. And I want more than anything for you to

tell me you love me and say it's okay not to be okay and

that the darkness of night I spend my days in has to

end at some point. That you will kiss my skin where

my wrists kissed razors and tell me I deserve more,

that I deserve to be happy. And then I realize how

big these expectations are and how they will always

exceed anything I deserve because how can I expect     

you to save me, when I can’t even save myself  

I deserve what I am and the fact that it’s everything

I don’t want to be.