I Gave Me Grace

My name’s Anna Grace

First name Anna

Middle name Grace

It’s a family name

Mom always wanted an Anna Grace

so when I came along, she got her wish

Thing is, though, I don’t go by Anna, or even Anna Grace

They’re beautiful names

I detest them

So I go by Grace

cause my family gave me Anna

but Grace is something I had to give myself

There was definitely a time when I was Anna. Sometimes I still am

She cries in the night and wishes not to wake up the next morning

Anna told me that the thing was right, simply because it was easier than fighting it

She told me my flashbacks were my fault, that I should have stopped him

Anna tells me that my dad just has a different sense of humor

She agrees that I’m ugly and undesirable

Anna believes every stereotype about my disease, including the one about how it’s my fault

There’s a reason I don’t go by Anna.

Grace, though.

Grace wakes up the next morning because she knows dying won’t solve anything

Grace fought to get rid of the thing, even when it became Schtah and it multiplied and told her to die

She’s waiting for the day she can face Tim down in a courtroom and tell the judge exactly why he deserves to be punished

She argues with my dad

She flaunts it, even when I’m not sure I got it

Grace knows that my disease is not my fault, and that I will get better.

There’s a reason I go by Grace.

So I’ll say it again.

My name is Anna Grace

First name Anna, middle name Grace

it’s a family name

Thing is, I don’t go by Anna

I go by Grace

My family gave me Anna

I gave me Grace