I Have Decided

They say to be careful what you ask for. I remember asking for this and thinking that it wouldn’t be so. I am now constantly surrounded by those closest to me. Not by relation, but by identity, except their identity does not belong to me. I now have company, four walls do not exist, and every day is new. Each weekend brings unfamiliar discomfort and a fresh and unseen vision of who I am. I am a leader and a follower. Constantly nagging my passivity, the leader in me screams out when I least expect it. I crave it and reject it all at the same time. The part of me that follows, clings to the line of what has already been done and what is now taught. I find that following comes natural once I ignore my greatness, my uniqueness, my voice and my identity. I tell myself to follow the crowd to gain experience and to see what I’m missing. I tell myself that I’ve been alone far too long following the beat of my own drum. I reason with myself saying… well maybe I can do this and stay away from that. I lie to myself because I know there is no way I can accept half and do away with the other; not this time. This time I know that it’s either one or the other. I have to make a decision. I have to choose between leading and following. Will I accept my father’s calling or will I lay down my existence to be comfortable amongst those who seek to remove my identity? My choice is as clear to me as I know it is to you Lord. I choose leadership, and although at times it seems as if I’m far from it, leading never stops showing itself true in me.