i-I

i

There was never a day i didn’t try to take your breath away.

Through blurry vision i held you high, on a pedestal made of sand.

A foundation built upon hidden truths and secret love, there would never be a way for us to rise above.

Piece by piece i let myself go, as i held on tight, begging you please don’t go, no.

i did all i could to make you smile, a smile i deemed the most perfect in the world.

Day by day it became harder.

How much easier would it have been if i had just let you go so many months before?

Like this poem, starting out with rhymes, crumbling into just a mess of meaningless words on paper.

When you told me you loved me did you mean it? Was it true, even for a bit?

Or did you keep me around because in my eyes you could do no wrong, allowing myself to feel like it was all my fault, picking up the pieces alone for a job meant for two. 

You were never going to stand up for me, never going to tell your parents the truth.

It’s ironic, the people who brought you into this world, who are meant to love you no matter what, are partially to blame.

But i can’t put it all on them, it wouldn’t be far, you didn’t have the courage, you didn’t have the strength, or maybe in your eyes i just wasn’t worth the struggle, the judgmental looks people like us get from time to time, or should i say people like me.

Because you never accepted yourself, and that was my first mistake, thinking i could fix you, piece you back together with love until you were able to love yourself.

But that’s not how it works, because you’re only able to accept the love you think you deserve.

And I tried to give you it all, only to lose everything about me that i loved. 

So now i sit here, unable to fall asleep until 4:00am each night.

How is it that I’m still losing sleep over you, finding myself in the same position i spent every other night, wondering if you loved me as my message stayed on delivered, wondering if you were thinking about me as you spent the night with your friends who knew nothing about me. Wondering if you were being faithful, because neglecting to tell people you’re committed to someone leaves a lot of room for assumption. 

So i sit here, with our two years shoved in a box at the foot of my bed, all the memories staring at me, the money spent mocking me, our future discontinued like a bad tv series, and the piece of my heart still missing.

Initially i thought, maybe i hoped, that one day we’d return to one another.

How fucking stupid am i?

You won’t change, you just don’t have it in you.

i can’t blame you for that, you take the easy way in life and there’s nothing wrong with that most of the time.

Only this time the easy way meant ripping my heart in two, but that leaves you free of worries, free of commitment, free of accepting who you really are.

But it’s okay, i hope you’re happy, i hope you find everything you want in life, i know i gave you the world, but it still wasn’t enough, i wasn’t enough.

I

I return to this jumble of words on a page with a much different perspective than I originally had.

There was a saying I came up with, one I told you daily in hopes that at some point you’d believe my words, believe my actions, believe me when I said that you deserved the world.

“never forget how loved you are. never forget how special you are. never forget to smile. never forget to laugh. because there is always a reason to smile, always somebody to laugh with. because there is always someone to show you that you are loved and always someone to remind you how special you are”

I’ve finally taken my own words, finally flipped the script.

I will never forget how loved I am, because although you couldn’t show me that, I have so many people who do. 

I’ve always been told I’m a pretty special person, as time went on with you I forgot, but I remember now.

As our two years went on my smile faded and my laugh diminished, I forgot to do the two things I was most known for in life, but they’ve both returned, a smile full of life and a pure, undamaged laugh.

Initially, when our time had ended, I thought, or I hoped, that one day we’d come back to one another

But now, I couldn't imagine being yours again, not now, not in another lifetime.

Not if you stayed the same or changed into a completely different person.

You will never be for me.

You hurt me far too many times, let me down and kept me there.

I know what I deserve, you certainly didn’t.

I guess when something major happens in one’s life, 

There are the many stages of grief you’re expected to go through

For awhile I thought it was only appropriate I to go through those stages,

But I’m not grieving, fuck I’m free.