I know you know

by sammicollis

February 14, 2018

Dear Mom,

I know that you know.

You know you hurt us.

You’ve known this for awhile.

Yet, you still continue to burn bridges.

You still continue to hurt us.

You know we can’t unsee the things we saw.

From the surringes poking in your arm so easily,

Like a pin going into a cushion.

From the line of white foo foo dust

That you said protects you from harm.

It might have protected you

But it only destroyed us.

You know you could never repay us.

From the thousands of dollars

That went missing from birthdays.

From the constant burden we’ve put on others.

From being homeless to shacks to living with relatives.

We never had a home.

Even living with dads parents; it’s not a home.

They don’t do drugs but they also don’t care.

You know we can never fully forgive you.

I still have nightmares of that night.

You let that man in my room

While I was fast asleep.

As I scream for help, no one showed

But you said it was going to be okay.

As a guy comes to the back door

Breaks it down holding a handgun

You told us it’d be okay.

You know we were embarrassed.

You had scars up and down your arms.

Reeked of cancer sticks,

And jeans that were too tight

And shirts too low.

I used to want to be exactly like you.

That changed when you changed.

I know you know we miss you.

In and out of rehabs and prisons.

You’d say just look at the moon

Because we see the same one.

It doesn’t seem like we are apart then.

Made me miss you.

Made all of your three children miss you.

I know you know we love you.

With no one helping you raise us

We understood the struggle.

Dad wanted no responsibility.

When he passed it hurt you.

You knew it was partly because of you.

You knew he was depressed

You knew he was thinking of ending the pain.

And through all of that we still love you?

Yes and I know you know that

Or you wouldn’t be alive yourself.

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