I Love You, But...

Being around you should be a breath of fresh air

Not a constant reminder of the loathing I feel for both of us

How can you love someone that you completely despise?

The weeks turn into months and the months turn to years and I can't believe it's been 5 years and you still treat me like garbage

I'm smarter than this.

But when I'm around you my brain cells die in tiny increments

Maybe that's why I like it.

My therapist said I already know my worth. I just have to act like it.

Every time I hear you or text you or see you

My self worth gets trampled by irrational feelings that are completely unfounded

You have given me no reason to feel any feelings of affection and yet I still do ‘

That is the worst part about loving you.

I want something in return

Unrequited love is heartbreakingly beautiful in the movies but for me it's just agonizing.

I don’t want to be kept on a string for when you want me around, but you’re never here when I need you.

Your words swirl around in my head making me question my own sanity like a whirlwind of doubt and distrust and disbelief and fear and hesitation

And the biggest problem is I don’t doubt or distrust you

I distrust myself

I need security

Asylum

Love and affection

But all I get is one more push towards bitterness