I love(d) you

It's new year 

A new me!

But I still feel the damage 

On my skin

In my words 

In the heartbeat 

Did you know I'm probably gonna stop texting her 

Did you know that I'm worried of hurting anyone ever again

I feel like I was in the eye of the hurricane

That I got out of the storms 

And the rain

And chaos 

And for a moment I had hope 

Then it all came crashing back. 

And the sun disappeared 

And I'm beginning to even wonder if it was there in the first place 

What they don't tell you about leave an emotional abusive relationship 

Is that it can happen at 17 too

It can happen to guys too 

You know what sucks 

I still think you're right 

I still think that in some  way 

this is my fault 

I will stil consider myself less of a man because I can't drive 

Because I don't like to drink 

Because I couldn't afford to get you many things 

Because you couldn't love me the way you loved him 

I've stood up to you

Multiple times

I've told you exactly how lve felt 

I told you that I'm hurting and that "I'm all better now"

But I'm not. 

I'm really not.

And you have the audacity to be happy 

That's the thing that makes my skin crawl 

You're okay 

You're fine 

You're smiling 

You go out with guys and take them like candy 

While I was a full floured breakfast 

You picked out your favorite parts 

And relished in them 

And then you left a mess 

I don't want you anymore 

I don't love you anymore 

But Lord knows 

I don't know me anymore