I miss it all

Location

My mom and my dad were looking at each other.

I knew it had to be serious.

Dad always blinked a lot when he was scared or nervous.

He also tapped his foot on the floor.  

He looked older when he didn’t smile.

He would always hug me, and ask me how my day was.

Read me bedtime stories

Hang my drawings on the fridge

And tell me stories of my very own prince

I loved my dad!

 

On Wednesdays, he picked me up at school to go grocery shopping.

We cooked dinner together

The best dinner of the week

We sang songs and danced when we cooked Wednesday dinner.

He cracked jokes and made me laugh, louder than I did last Wednesday.

Wednesdays were so much fun!

 

The day was a Wednesday.

The 10th Wednesday since he stopped smiling.

When he stopped joking around and insisted that I behave like a woman

I was a child no more.

Not a girl.

A woman.

I am a woman.

 

I hate being a woman.

Why did girlhood go by so fast?

Why does being a woman mean you have so many boundaries?

Girls get to play and have fun.

Women are expected to behave and keep calm.

Girls get to be creative with a pencil.

Women get to be creative with the food scraps.

Girls are loved and cared for.

Women love and care.

Girls can dream about princes and unicorns and strange magic places.

Women can dream about girlhood.

The time when she was free.

 

The day was a Wednesday

My parents looked at each other

I knew it had to be serious

But little did I know it would mean my destruction

That the words they were about to tell me would capture me

And eat me alive

And that a few months later I would carry life

I wish I had never known

 

I miss being a girl

I miss my dads smile

I miss the days when going to the store was the highlight of my week

I miss the drawing

I miss the dreaming

I miss it all

 

I want to scream

To fight

To break free from the chains that are holding me down

But I am a woman

And as a woman I must keep my mouth shut

 

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