I Never Understood

I never understood

how much pain there could be.

I never understood

how long grief could stand.

I never understood

the depth of sadness.

I never understood

how much I loved

that little boy

I never understood

how people could say

they didn't want to live.

I never undersood

how tired tears make you.

I never understood

why people couldn't

make it through the night.

Now I understand.

Now I know how.

Now I know why.

The pain is indescribable.

The pain is all-consuming.

It over takes every part of your being.

Even though I hate this pain

I am thankful.

Thankful for the pain

I have been given

that I may understand

and comfort those like me.

Thankful, but pained

remembering that

without refinement

I will never be pure.

Some days I scream

for the pain to stop.

Some days I cry

asking the tears to go away.

Remembering to be

Thankful

is the hardest job

I've ever had.

Some days

All I want to do

is die.

A painful death would be best.

I never understood

I guess I never could.

Or I never tried.

But now I do.

Don't give up on me yet,

I still have a long journey,

one that I must travel

'though I have no desire to.