i never wanted to

I never wanted this day to come.
I never wanted to have you leave.
I never wanted to have to miss you.
I never wanted you to be with anyone else
I never wanted to loose you,
I never wanted to loose you,
I NEVER. WANTED. TO. LOOSE. YOU.
But now I have.
I keep replaying the possible ways to play this out and I keep getting lost in the thought of you.
I keep thinking about how ur touch felt.
How your hair smelled like a rainforest.
And how sweet your lips were.
I keep thinking of the memories I had with you. And the sad thing is that their slowly slipping away.
I am sitting here and I still am numb from the pain I feel.
And I realize I'm not longer whole. I'm broken into a million different pieces that nobody wants to fix.
But when you left you took what made me smile, what made me laugh and what made me happy, with you.
But I come to another realization. I realize that I'm alone.
I no longer have my parents, siblings relatives or friends. You were the last person I gave a fuck about.
I loved you.
I held you so close and I made you feel like a queen.
When you pushed me away I brought us back together.
And when you doubted us I gave you confidence.
I was good to you.
I hope one day you'll realize what we had and what we could've been.
But for now I wish I could crucify myself to my hopes and dreams so I'll die a righteous death, only to be redirected in your tears hoping you care,
Because  still do. 
Cut My throat and let all the lies flood out. Pierce my side with the sword just to let all the butterflies escape. 
And rip open my mouth just to see all the pride I swallowed claw itself out of me.
Because I am no longer a man. I'm no longer whole and I'm no longer happy.