I Now Understand

I didn't understand why girls would cry because their bodies never mesmerized a boy's eyes

I didn't understand why the wrists were slit on my friends thin arms

I didn't understand why girls would spend every minute of their free time in the restroom fixing and picking at their faces when the world was passing them by

I didn't understand why many felt the need to end their precious lives because they began to believe the lies that spread like wild fire to the whole school

I didn't understand until I grew up

My innocence died drowning when I began to look at myself differently

To finally understand was the worst part of having to grow up

 

It began when I saw myself in the mirror

My hips were too wide my legs were too thick and my stomach unsuspectedly grew due to the depression that hit me like a bus and only rolling downhill with the rest of my self-esteem

The boy that I liked said I would never be beautiful because I wasn’t lean like the angels that walked the runway, my eyes had no gleam and looked like the color of mud instead of the sky’s sunset and my face would never compare to those in the magazine

I now understood the reason baby girls stopped eating or threw up every meal there mother gave

I now understood why girls cried over the boys that never laid eyes on them

It hurt to know the people you love don’t feel the same about you

 

The flashbacks of my younger years began to make sense when I took health for the first time in 7th grade

I now understood that my innocence was stolen and love was a lie

I now understood why girls slit their wrists

The list that played over and over in our minds on why we aren’t good enough

The past that haunt us in the present and affects our future

And the reality that hit us as hard as puberty

 

Looking in the mirror and seeing that my eyelashes weren’t long enough my lips were too pale and my eyes were too small and slanted

 I began to pick at my face painting my eye lashes so they can be long enough to fly

 I began to add color to my face and lips in order to look like a real human being and please God forbid I forget the touch of blush for flatter

They told me to hide my battle face because people only like to see pretty

I now understood the pressure to look beautiful because after-all we are competing with other girls we don’t care about to impress people we don’t like

I now understood that our faces should look like the people on television and that looking your age was considered an abnormal.

 

Rest in Peace to the kids who didn’t make it to this year because they made the decision that the world was better off without them

Rest in Peace to the kids who decided that ending their life was the only way to end their pain

A forever decision was made therefore leaving the pain they felt behind.

It can be so hard to stay so strong for yourself

It is better to leave the world when you are not important to anyone

I now understand the pain that causes someone to end their life

I also understand that we are too young to be broken

 

I hope we all grow up to answers and only wait patiently because only time can heal

I hope that we learn to trust in our beauty just as the way we are

I hope that we realize that it is not boys we need but men who understand where we come from

I hope that we never have to feel the need to end the precious gift of life and we continue fighting once more

Because that is all we can hope for

 

We need to understand that our face shows our battles and every wrinkle shows our hard work and dedication.

We need to understand that as we grow older, every white hair shows our courage to keep moving on.

We need to understand that we are not letting go of this world and that we are not alone.

 

 

Comments

ericagins@yahoo.com

this was beautiful

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