I put the ***flaw in Flawless

Thu, 01/29/2015 - 16:15 -- je_r
I did not wake up like this, yet I am flawless.
 
It was harder than I could have imagined
(still is, sometimes).
 
I have a strength forged through perseverance
and the sheer will to go on.
I had to get better.
I had to keep going.
 
[Rewind]
Mom had been feeling sick, 
but it was nothing serious.
 
When I got home from school 
and heard the news,
my heart sank,
my head was reeling, 
my world collapsed in on me.
 
I thought it was a sick joke.
 
My biggest supporter,
my confidant,
my model of womanhood,
dead.
 
I had so much to learn from her.
 
[Fast forward]
It's the middle of the tournament,
after 4 losses, with at least 3 more rounds today 
and even more tomorrow,
I find myself crying in the bathroom, 
trying to regain composure.
 
Debate doesn't care when you're battling demons,
constantly arguing against yourself
and your own existence.
 
Academics, 
social life goes on 
with or without you.
 
Stress of sorting through 
how the family dynamic had inevitably changed,
an unexpected coming of age,
and 
what this now means for me
and my decisions,
and
the feeling that
every minute I'm not okay
is a minute I'm falling behind.
 
On days that
ceasing to exist 
would have been a sweet relief,
I thought of her.
 
It felt selfish, 
with me here,
her, gone.
 
And me, willing to 
discard life
of which she was robbed.
 
The thing is,
I have been to rock bottom.
It was dark
and scary
and lonely
and felt like I would never be able to climb those jagged cliffs.
 
But I did.
I went on.
 
I am flawless
not because of my lack of flaws
but precisely because of them 
and
my willingness to confront them
no matter how much it hurts.

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