"I Remember"

I remember the feeling of emptiness and shortened breath accompanied by a hollow heart and soul.

I remember lying there by the mahogany headboard in dismay and confusion with abrasions on my allusions.

I remember the wandering perplexity in the mind of an eight-year old child that was not caused by long division but by long molestation.

I remember the agony, pain, and distress that was wholly suppressed.

I remember the stained white cotton sheets filled with dark red adolescent innocence.

I remember the glow of satisfaction upon the face of someone who was supposed to love and protect not neglect.

I remember the cold shower with warm showers falling from my darkened chocolate pupils.

I remember stroke by stroke hole in hole, but I wasn’t interested in playing golf.

I remember dreaming of a day when it would go away and I could leave this feeling astray.

I remember being encouraged to tell my mom everything from a very young age stage by stage.

I remember the same mom abandoning me to go let her inner lesbian disengage.

I remember being told that reading a book would allow me to escape my reality.

I remember wanting to end it all and being a victim in Saw.

I remember going to church and hearing the pastor preach about how much God loves me and wanted me. I remember questioning my God and asking him, “But why me?”

I remember losing faith in my God and believing he was a figment of my imagination. I remember feeling like I was the only one in my world and that everyone else was on vacation.

I remember feeling lonely as I sat next to hundreds of bodies cheering for touchdowns and rounds.

I remember being surrounded by people who loved me and not being able to confess to them these unsurmountable mounds.

I remember at one point blaming myself and going to hell.

I remember having thoughts and nightmares of doing Godforsaken things to him but I knew it wouldn’t help. I remember hearing someone else state they were a victim of his “urges.”

I remember hearing hate towards her without people even knowing the coverage.

I remember believing her because I knew of the suffrage.

I remember seeing her face and knowing that we established a blood brother oath non-consensually and unwillingly.

I remember drowning in sorrow as I was being forced to live with him by my mother.

I remember the greatest man in my life coming to the rescue and not allowing it to go any further.

I remember falling in love and automatically knowing he was the one.

I remember not being able to open up because I was already opened up.

I remember my demons taunting me and uttering soliloquies.

I remember wanting to show him my innate self and what I could really be.

I remember long talks and long walks and deep thoughts and our connection being hotter than hot sauce.

I remember knowing that I had to come to terms with the assault. I remember finally realizing it wasn’t my fault.

I remember August 2015 12 a.m. I let it all out.

I remember my grandparents telling me they were going to handle it with no doubt.

I remember mixed emotions ran through my body as he ran through my reminiscences of May.

I remember depression settling in and I was settling out.

I remember the bitter taste of regret on my tongue but dessert was yum.

I remember coming to terms with it as it started to roll in.

I remember realizing it was not my role to take on revenge but it was of the Lords and if I did so,I would commit a great sin.

I remember smiling and appreciating for what has happened because an unforgiving heart will destroy you in the end.