I remember...

When I was four. 

Being locked in my room for hours

left with a book and nothing else

facing the door, waiting for you to walk in and scream at me.

You wanted me to read, yet I couldn’t.

You screamed and

I cried. 

When I was five.

You making me practice our phone number.

You were trying to have me memorise it.

Tears running down my face as I struggled 

to push those hard buttons down with my tiny finger. 

When I couldn’t do it you screamed and

I cried. 

When I was seven.

My sister and I waking you up from our bickering.

You demanded to know why we were yelling, 

I told you but it 

wasn’t a good enough reason to have woken you.

You grabbed a handful of our hair and bashed

our heads together.

You screamed at us and

we cried. 

When I was twelve.

Calling to make sure I could wait at my friends house

in order to pick my sister up off the bus.

You said yes, I was happy.

Until I saw our truck up the street.

I opened the door to ask why you were there.

You slapped me right in the face making

blood drip out of my nose.

You screamed at me and

I cried.

When I was fourteen.

Standing across the dining room table from you.

You insisted I needed to for my own protection because if I answered 

you wrongly I would get hurt.

A neighbor had fed lies to your ears, yet when I told them truth you lunged.

I ran to my room

to avoid the physicality you brought to me.

You were screaming and

I was crying.

Now

How you made me cry day and night, for days and months through the years.

Making me fear your voice, flinch when your hand is raised, and dread you getting angry.

I love you.