I Remember

Some days it’s so easy to forget; it’s like it never happened. Other days, it’s impossible to ignore; I wish it never happened. I thought I could leave it all behind, but it keeps catching up to me, like a dog that you tell to “stay”, but follows you anyway. The scars you left are not physical. You didn’t leave a scratch. But on the inside, if you could see, my heart is cracked. My mind is tormented by the shadows you left creeping there. I try to push them out, by telling them I’m not scared. But right now I cannot deny, the ache I feel inside. That night, so long ago it seems, flashes before my eyes. It’s a nightmare on repeat, like a sad song with no end. Just when you think it’s over, it starts to play again. I hear myself asking you to stop. I feel my heart pounding in my chest. I feel your body pressed against mine. The shock and fear steal my breath away. I remember searching for the words that would make it stop. I remember being so scared that I couldn’t say a word. I remember wishing I could hurt you because of all the pain you caused. I remember reassuring you that it was okay, I wasn’t mad. It wasn’t rape. I remember crying alone behind locked doors. I remember thinking, “Oh God, why did this happen? Is this punishment for being bad?” I remember everything. I wish I could forget. I wish I could have stopped you. I wish that you had quit. Now I have to live with the memory of it all. And every time I see you, I remember what you did. But I forgave you anyway. Because you’re my best friend.