I remember
I remember getting up one day
It started like any other
I sat down me and my brother
Insults were Normal till later I was pulled away from my mother
Drugs ran through her veins
Trying to cover up past pains
I remember her using make up to cover tear stains
Just nine years old
I could hear my father speak but I could only do what I was told
Given a smack,no excuse to have at night or anything to hold
I couldn't understand is what they would say
They thought I was fine but I'm still hurting to this day
Couldn't see the price they were willing for me to pay
Going through it alone seen and not heard
Pointed and laughed at hidden in the herd
Spoke a lot because at home I never felt heard
While others slept I was tight rope walking
Depression was in the back of my mind late night stalking
I remember At fifth teen I ran away from home and got emancipated
Before the year was up my best friend was found incapacitated
Overdosed off my drugs I felt partially decapitated
Alone in a little room
No parents around to calm the doom
Living with a knife to my throat
Thinking it's only one easy stroke
Shedding a tear trying to steady my hand but I began to choke
In Grade 10 someone who got to go home to loving parents looked me dead in the eyes and said to get over it
While that night i went home and slit my wrists bleeding out in the sink
I could hear every voice calling me names when I hit the brink
How could I be loved, a hideous beast beaten to live under the bridge
Why would I be someone's sun when I was a "popper" going off his hinge
1 part abandonment ,
99 parts self confinement
There was lack of blood so I was hallucinating
My friend back from the dead forcing me to keep participating
Saying not the world but people's lives will hit freeze
And that It's not fair to give up when his voice was left in the breeze
So I patched up my arms with a ragged towel
Walked to bed and fell asleep
With a drunk scowl
The scars are now covered by ink because I think there fowl
To this day. I remember. That's not the weakest I've ever been but where I regained my hope
I've never let go of that last sliver of my heart
No matter how many beaten bones and hurtful names i wouldn't let myself be teared apart
But I drank to silence my voice
And to this day I havnt dropped that choice
Because I don't need to remember all the past pains
When it still lands upon my cheek and stains
With a company of friends who are willing to die
Even though I feel replaceable and that My life wouldn't sell high
Like they could walk away because there are no ties
In therapy since I was fifth teen
Trying to come to terms what was inside of me
At twenty two I'm only on the way to finding peace
I remember
I remember the me who only wanted to fall in love and have kids
Yet I've come to terms I'll probably never have kids
I need to prove everyone else and my self that I was wrong
That I'm worth more then the air I use
But how can I do that when I feel like I was born to be abused
And that I'll die alone because I'm slightly obtuse
I remember always feeling this way
And that doctors gave me pills saying it will never go away
And that kids in class wished I would die or move away
And that all I've ever wanted was someone asking me just to stay
Just one minute please, I can't breathe without you
Your my light my future and my muse
Please stop crying I'm here to fix your shattered heart and help it fuse
Someone to hold me close for the first time in my life and tell me everything will be okay
Because at night, next them they want me to stay
But I'm getting drunk under the bridge
Because all my life i was cut off and told I was to never be seen or heard so much my autobiography will have to be abridge
My life in the eyes of everyone around me is nothing but a smidge
So I sit here waiting for the reaper
Counting down on my watch like the time keeper
Just trying to forget.
But I remember
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