I like to sleep right next to the window

I like to sleep right next to the window

But I have to keep the curtains shut. 

I like to have my bed hidden in the corner

But I have to have a clear view of the room. 

I like to have a clear view of the door 

But don't put me near the door. 

This is what I tell my roommate

Not when I move in

Not a few days before

Not even a few weeks

Oh no I lay this all on the table months before. 

Does this come off a bit stuck up?

Probably.

Am I walking contradiction?

Definitely. 

Did she understand any of what I said or why? 

 Absolutely, not. 

Because when I say I like to sleep right next to the window, 

I’m actually saying that I need a quick escape 

Just in case the door is held up in some sort of barricade

Just in case I have to run away

Get to somewhere safe

But there I go being contradictory again 

Because when you live with PTSD

You and anxiety have come to this sort of understanding

That there is nowhere, no place that is safe

And people are things in which you should not have faith. 

When I say that I have to have the curtains closed 

I understand that it may seem a bit overdramatic

Like I’m pulling a diva move because have is a strong word

And most people would say that it's a want.

But don’t talk to me about the difference between needs and wants 

Until you keep watching and waiting 

For a face, of some stranger, your abusive ex, your bitchy grandmother, or

The psychopath who stalked you, who came after you, when you were just seventeen years old. 

Once again your nodding, 

Thinking isn’t this overdramatic

Isn't stalking a strong word. 

Well I mean

He followed me, memorized my schedule

Showed up at the places I frequent, 

Hid in some bushes and waited for me to exit a building I was in. 

And I know what you will all say next, 

Boys will be boys and uh, what were you wearing? 

A shirt, jeans, sneakers, and jacket that I kept zipped and on at all times. 

But it's fine Carl I totally understand your need to place blame on the victim

To protect the fragile overinflated ego of a species known as the white man. 

When I say I like to have my bed hidden in a corner it’s because 

It's one of the few things that make me feel the delusion of safe. 

It's warm, cozy, and I can enjoy my surroundings without having to worry 

Who the hell is behind me. 

When I say I have to have a clear view of the room

I mean an unobstructed view, 

I want to be able to see the tiny writing on your day planner 

Stuck on the wall. I want to know where everything and everyone 

Is at. My jackass ex drilled into my head that everything I ever do, 

have done or will do is bad

My grandmother convinced me that I’m a jinx and that I bring 

It down onto others. 

My safe is already destroyed. I'm not getting it back, I know that. 

But my friends, the people who are my family, they can still have that. 

I have to know where everyone is because I don't want to find you in a ditch

I don't want to find you in a ditch crying because you couldn’t stop him. 

I have to know where everything is because I don’t want to find you

In the bathroom bleeding from your wrists because you thought

You could cut out what he did. 

I have to know where everyone and everything is because

Safe is still a word you know and I never want you to forget it. 

When I want to have a clear view of the door

I mean I want to see everyone who comes through it. 

I want to see everyone who comes through it so I can see 

If your new boyfriend really is a good guy

So I can find some way to get us both out alive

In case an intruder of some sort makes his way inside

So I can keep all of the unsafe outside.

When I say don’t put me near the door

I mean don’t put me near the unsafe. 

I have got enough of that 

To last me the rest of my life. But 

If I get hurt it isn’t so bad, that's why 

I didn’t say I have to be away from it.

After all safe is a delusion I haven’t had 

Since two years past. 

And if your wondering dear reader why 

I told my roommate all of this months in advance

My roommate who I don’t even know in advance. 

I wouldn’t wish PTSD on my greatest enemy

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone at all

And if I can keep it from devouring you

Even if I barely know you

Then that is what I have to do.