I Stay (Warning: Explicit)

How do I explain how feelings change,
how strained this train of thought chugs along
with nowhere to stop and drop this ticking bomb.
The face of your clock can tell me nothing
when I can’t look into its eyes.
When I try, shivers have me on the floor
unable to speak, you’d think that after all this time
I’d be able to control them.
I fear to venture back to what was never said
Instead, I silently chug,
blood dripping out my tongue.
Biting down our friendship going
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick….
time’s up.

You are a dick,
you cock slapped my face
and I turned the other cheek-
too weak to understand
that I didn’t deserve it.
To naïve to believe
it was anyone’s fault but
my own.

And in theory, I should hate you.
Forget you, tear you down,
destroy you. Lie for a lie
Truth for a truth, heart for a heart
Depart from this empty station
in this empty town turned
upside down by your words of
fools gold.

You are a dick
Pretend you don’t have a clue
All that I gave you, go a head, forget me,
close your eyes, hold her hand
Talk like you understand
how everything works
Swing it and jerk to the sound
of your own mental impedance
then call me when you feel empty.
Or don’t. Either way I’m still here.
When I should hate you.

I stay though I want to say
a series of two-word phrases
back-to-back, line them up like
dominoes and let them go.
But I stay.
For I see that the cock in your step
hides the rock in your shoe.
It’s stabbing at the soul-
A pressure point you can’t ignore
for more than one bowl at a time.

You are a dick.
I know that it is conscious;
you’ve confessed this mess
inside your chest. I’m convinced
it helps you rest when you
express that you already know.
A low blow to your own
Because you don’t believe in you
Like I do.

And in this tangled line of lies I can’t unwind
there was one moment when I saw you cry…
I cannot deny its honesty. And though I don’t
know you like everyone else,
I know you like no one else can.
And so I stay.

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