I Usually Don't Feel Guilty

He worked all seven days,

most of the day.

But he was alcoholic and abusive. 

Still kind of is. 

I didn’t feel guilty.

The few times he was home,

the desk lamp was always on.

He studied to teach kids math,

but the money never stayed in the bank.

I didn’t feel guilty.

He didn’t know how to apologize, 

so he bought dollar store brand snacks

to say, “Sorry."

It happened too often to count.

I didn’t feel guilty.

One day, he was wearing his usual 

grimace, but this time, 

his eyes were frowning too.

His hand was over his chest

and he was pale and sweaty.

I knew if I asked, he wouldn’t reply.

For the first time, 

my stomach sank 

and strings pulled at my heart.