I want

I want to believe in the me that I know

But, the me that I have become is different.

I want to believe that tears are not needed

But, I need to cry because I feel a sadness and sense despair in my tone of life.

I feel like giving up

Because giving up looks better than letting those that say they care so much around me down.

And I have succeeded at keeping to myself

And not speaking of when I cry or anxiety takes over my being.

I smile many times so people don’t ask.

And I laugh to subside the sobs that are awaiting to emerge

And as I push things down and push people away,

I realize that the farther I move in life the more people I lose I wish that…

Wait I want things to change

Maybe if I change my whole being and become the me people want me to be

Rather than the me I want to be  

People may see the problems I face.

And I kept a secret and it ate at my soul

And I felt my heart erode and deposit my thoughts far away.

But when it came the time I broke down and cried because if I smiled the strain would hurt.

But as I lay in my bed wishing for misery to end, at risk of losing someone more than a friend.

And I knew that my tears were pointless cause I’m the only one who cared

And I’m emotionally battered and fucked up just a little.

Because I allowed invasion into the most precious thing

And I do not want to be a jezebel or the town’s talk

But  everything I want can’t happen and everything I need I won’t get.

And I want life to be easy

I want life to end now, but it seems he's doesn’t want me gone just yet.

But his want is different from mine and my mind reels of all the ways I became a disgrace

And I want no longer to be in this place.

I want to, want to live this life

But I want to end the misery.

I want to move past this pain and arrive at salvation

I want and I want, but I must keep it to myself because other people have problems that make mine irrelevant.

And others have needs that make mine seem distance.

And other people have tears

But sometimes mine don’t matter because one tear out of a million is something not to care about

And one life lost is one to ignore.

But as I ramble on and I talk and I write

I realize that the struggle only contains me

And people fail to see that I need help

But I’ve been learning to try on my own

I want..

Oh how much I want.

But, clearly I want  things and can’t get them.