I want to be me
It has been months,
waves of adversity hit the shore of my life.
My mind and heart :nonchalant,
that I've been seen as someone who is unbothered -by life ,by unsolicited advice,by adversity-everything.
My folks rant about how whatever they say never seems to have an affect on me and their efforts are always futile and in vain.
I come off as standoffish because I can't seem to afford any other soul knowing the other side of me.
I am cold.
So cold, and indifferent.
So indifferent.
Bottle up! Bottle up!
It has been weeks,
It is the month of pride, and I was proud of who I am.
But this month, it has been synonymous with being proud of commiting a homicide.
I felt not a single thing, unresponsive to the comments made from hearts filled with hate-
because a single page from a scripture is worth more than a life.
I was bold or was I cold?
I am cold.
So cold, and indifferent.
So indifferent.
Bottle up! Bottle up!
It has been days,
I haven't uttered a single word, whist having so much to say.
The words and expression- nonexistant.
Knowing that the feeling of nothingness was not strength,not my insensitivity, nor what I call 'rational'...... but
I am cold,
So cold, and indifferent.
So indifferent.
Bottle up! Bottle up!
It has been hours,
and a new city that is raining cats and dogs.
The alluring scent of the evergreen intertwining the one of the land;
felt as though it sent a jolt if energy reviving the dead in me.
I wasn't cold.
So cold, or insensitive.
Happy.
Beathe in, Breathe out.
It has been minutes,
since I started using words to express what I felt.
Deceptive, yes deceptive.
I allowed myself to feel today, or did the rain?
I felt something, something more than unquiet thoughts devoid of passion.
I felt free.
Free and calm.
So calm.
But OH NO! OH NO!
It has been seconds,
I realised that I am just rambling.
My heartbeats racing, tears flowing- I am thusfar distracting.
A sudden trigger.
Letting myself feel wasn't the right choice.
Whispering voices reminding me of words I was oblivious of at the time.
Filling me with shame, guilt, and fear.
I wasn't oblivious.
I just let it - Bottle up! Bottle up!
I am scared of who I am.
Conflicted with the want of feeling comfortable and that of being accepted.
I am trying to metamorphosise into something I am not but should be.
I am trying to convince myself that I am not what I claim to be.
Convince myself that those whispers aren't wrong. That something is wrong with me.
Emotions! Emotions! NO!
I don't want to feel. I want to be me.
I want to be me. I am ME.
I just want to breathe. Love and Live. Dance and Sing of who I am.
Be what I am the most afraid to be.
Listen to my mind telling me that I am who I am and no one can dictate or convince me otherwise.
I want to be me. I am ME. I am ME. There is no one, no one, that can tell me who 'I' am. I am me. I am.