I want to be me

February 27, 2019

It has been months,

waves of adversity hit the shore of my life.

My mind and heart :nonchalant,

that I've been seen as someone who is unbothered -by life ,by unsolicited advice,by adversity-everything.

My folks rant about how whatever they say never seems to have an affect on me and their efforts are always futile and in vain.

I come off as standoffish because I can't seem to afford any other soul knowing the other side of me.

I am cold.

So cold, and indifferent.

So indifferent.

Bottle up! Bottle up!

It has been weeks,

It is the month of pride, and I was proud of who I am.

But this month, it has been synonymous with being proud of commiting a homicide.

I felt not a single thing, unresponsive to the comments made from hearts filled with hate-

because a single page from a scripture is worth more than a life.

I was bold or was I cold?

I am cold.

So cold, and indifferent.

So indifferent.

Bottle up! Bottle up!

It has been days,

I haven't uttered a single word, whist having so much to say.

The words and expression- nonexistant.

Knowing that the feeling of nothingness was not strength,not my insensitivity, nor what I call 'rational'...... but

I am cold,

So cold, and indifferent.

So indifferent.

Bottle up! Bottle up!

It has been hours,

and a new city that is raining cats and dogs.

The alluring scent of the evergreen intertwining the one of the land;

felt as though it sent a jolt if energy reviving the dead in me.

I wasn't cold.

So cold, or insensitive.

Happy.

Beathe in, Breathe out.

It has been minutes,

since I started using words to express what I felt.

Deceptive, yes deceptive.

I allowed myself to feel today, or did the rain?

I felt something, something more than unquiet thoughts devoid of passion.

I felt free.

Free and calm.

So calm.

But OH NO! OH NO!

It has been seconds,

I realised that I am just rambling.

My heartbeats racing, tears flowing- I am thusfar distracting.
A sudden trigger.

Letting myself feel wasn't the right choice.

Whispering voices reminding me of words I was oblivious of at the time.

Filling me with shame, guilt, and fear.

I wasn't oblivious.

I just let it - Bottle up! Bottle up!

I am scared of who I am.

Conflicted with the want of feeling comfortable and that of being accepted.

I am trying to metamorphosise into something I am not but should be.

I am trying to convince myself that I am not what I claim to be.

Convince myself that those whispers aren't wrong. That something is wrong with me.

Emotions! Emotions! NO!

I don't want to feel. I want to be me.

I want to be me.

I am ME.

I just want to breathe. Love and Live. Dance and Sing of who I am.

Be what I am the most afraid to be.

Listen to my mind telling me that I am who I am and no one can dictate or convince me otherwise.

I want to be me.

I am ME.

There is no one, no one,

that can tell me who 'I' am.

I am me.

I am.

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I want to be me

magon

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