I Want to Fall

I want to fall in love.

And maybe at 17 believing in love is

asinine

because love is

arsenic

and it'll poison me faster than I'll be able to choke out the words

"I love you."

But I'll chug that poison until my throat

bleeds

and you say it will destroy me but I've already destroyed

myself

I'd rather fall in love and be torn apart by you than continue to let myself

tear me

and tear me

and tear me apart

My favorite flower is a bleeding heart

and God, don't tell me how ironic that is because I've heard it a million times

I'd rather bleed heartbreak than

suicide

I'd rather bleed out hope because at least it means I had

any in me in the first place

I wouldn't mind screaming and crying and throwing things at a wall when you break up with me

because at least then I'll have a

justification

for my meltdowns

I want to fall in love.

And when I say that,

what I really mean is that I want to feel love but that I also want to feel

heartbreak

because love is the most

self destructive

thing I know

and I'd like to pretend that I'm using it as a healing experience

but when you look in my eyes you see

sadness

clouding them

and you know that the

ending

is nearer than any forever we ever planned

I've been planning our breakup since the day we started dating

I wanna fall in love.

I want to fall so hard I crash.