I Want To Remember

I want to remember

how it feels right now,

with my mind as bare as December

as my mother sleeps sound

I want to remember

the way my eyes filled with tears

the night she told me 

I was becoming what she fears

I want to remember

the way my body screamed,

begging for rest,

While my mind careened,

out of my control.

I want to remember,

that I was the one,

the one to disappoint,

wishing I had the courage,

The just grab the gun.