I Was Selfish, But I'm Letting You Free

Dear Nana,

I believe that I was too selfish

In my childhood, you had done so much

Watching me throughout the day

Teaching me  how to cook and bake

Showing me how one should play cards

And teaching me all of your sassy remarks

And when school had started you’d see me onto the bus

Waving me away

And when I came back, there a big happy greeting would await

And yet, with everything that you had given to me

I fear that I did not show you the appreciation that you deserved

That I did not repay you in the way that I could’ve

I was so selfish

When you misplaced your mind

And your memories began to fade

I did not know what had changed

The stove would be left on with no one around

And you’d yell sometimes when family came into your house

And believe that your deceased mother and father were alive

It was as if your life had become a hurricane

And so they sent you away

Into a place where you couldn’t bake

Couldn’t be free

Couldn’t show me all of the birds that would reside in your trees

A place surrounded by a smell of dust and death

And I was so selfish

I couldn’t stand to see you in the state you were in

With your graying hair not dyed as you’d like

And more wrinkles forming around your skin

And you mistaking me for my older cousin

I couldn’t get attached to the residents anymore

Cause the room was dwindling with every visit

Which would make me mourn, but did I have the right if they hadn’t been related to me?

This exposure made little thirteen year old me

Think too hard about things and just like that

After two years of you living in the home

I just stopped visiting...

Selfish me!!!!!

I did not even consider the state you were in

That just like life begins it also ends

And when I was sat down and told that you were growing weaker with the days

That you’d stopped eating when you were served

Stopped speaking to anyone

And were holding on to your life by a tiny thread

I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to go see you to tell you my final goodbyes

But little did we know that in that same moment

You had given up

That everything within you had just

Stopped

And I wasn’t there

I hadn’t been there in months.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

My emotions flooded out of me like a wild hurricane

There to drown out the world

And these storms would occur in the randomest of times

Whether that be in the shower

Or just a drive in the car

Up until the day where they put you in the ground.

I was there

Touching your casket for the last time

And I whispered

“I'm sorry”

And I mean those words with all of my heart

And I hope wherever you are

You have the strength to forgive me

But with this conclusion, I want to look back at the good

At the fact that your life was one with meaning

You had raised my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother, and I

Passed down your traditions and beliefs

Bestowed upon us the skills that we will need to continue to survive

To live our lives to the fullest

And you had the ability to do anything you set your mind to

And the wildest stories to tell

So with this letter, no matter how angry I am at myself, I’d like to let go

To wish farewell

To not cry every night

Or let myself dwell on the past

Instead, I’ll hold you in my memories

And in my heart instead of my arms

But I will allow the acceptance and relief to pour into me like light

As every day the burden is lifted little by little

And with that said

Rest in peace…