I Was/I Am

We marched off the bus one by one

A jagged line

Luggage in tow

Grogginess weighing the movements of our feet

“Mommy, I’m tired”

“I know, but we just have to make it onto the next bus”

The sign above read Customs

The man behind the counter said “Passports”

 Navy blue books with a gold seal

“Where are you going?”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

“Have you never been to school?

Are you stupid?

I said where are you going?”

 Deep breath

Calm voice

“Canada”

“Where in Canada?”

“Niagara Falls”

Long, cold stare

“Come with me miss”

“Mommy, where are you going?”

“It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

My mother entered a room

Followed by one guard then another

The door clicked, then locked

I was left alone

A guard brings me to a chair

And I waited,

And waited,

And cried,

Prayed,

Screamed.

The door opened

My mother exited

Calm walk

Soft gaze

She grabbed my hand

Looked me in the eyes and smiled

“We can go on the bus now

I told you we would make it”

That was it?

I took my mother’s hand and left

Angry eyes trailed us down the aisle of the waiting bus

Annoyed sighs escaped when I stumbled over my feet

Angry

Annoyed

Angry

Annoyed

Well I was angry too!

I am angry now.

Angry at the audacious questions directed to my mother

Angry at the guards who interrogated my mother

Angry at the passengers who disregarded my mother

Angry at myself for the inability to help my mother

Angry at myself for being so small.

But I cannot show my anger –

I cannot show the pain that lives in my heart

I cannot show the worries that race through my mind.

When I was a child, I could laugh, smile, cry, and scream

Now I am older and I can only laugh and smile.