I Will Go On

When I was 7

I saw the world

Through naïve, child-like eyes

I laughed and played

Clung to my mother’s side

I looked at the sky

And I saw dragons flying high

It hit me the day I turned 11.

It was like a hurricane,

And I had been living just outside of the storm.

The waves surged and the rain poured

And suddenly, life was not simple at all.

Crying became normal for me

And insomnia became routine.

Some days, I was so happy

I could have flown right off the earth

And into the wonders of space.

But most days, I was so depressed

That life felt pointless.

I was going through the motions

Not really living, just surviving.

Since I was 11 years old.

My mother never found time for me

So, I found people who did

Whether it was teachers at school

Or friends from the neighborhood.

However, these people never knew,

Or would understand,

Who I was really.

I questioned myself constantly

Who was I supposed to be?

I spent so much of my life trying to be like my mother

That I no longer knew what it meant to be me.

How could I explain to other people who I was

When I did not know myself?

Constantly confused, so up and down, back and forth,

Life was hell.

When I was 13

I found love in places

I never should have looked for it

When I was 14

The first boy who loved me back

Became my world.

He seemed perfect,

Seemed so different from the others.

Everything seemed bright again,

I thought I had found it,

The solution to whatever was going on inside of me.

I had suddenly found confidence,

Suddenly had a reason to smile in the morning.

But a year later, the world he had helped me built

Was the same one he destroyed.

It seemed like everything happened all at once.

He had been with another girl,

My mother and I were worse than ever,

And so much more.

My grades dropped,

I was exhausted all of the time,

And I was giving up.

One day, I came home and I thought about

Ending it.

And the thought scared me so much

That I had a panic attack

And it would not stop or go away.

I ended up in the hospital

And cried for hours.

It was the worst day of my life.

But I learned from it.

Today, I am happy.

I have learned how to live with Bipolar Disorder

I have learned that some days will be worse than others

And that’s okay.

Because life is hard

And I have survived.