I Wish...

I wish there was a way to beam the words I have in my head

onto the paper I try so hard to fill with my thoughts,

because no matter how hard I try to make sense of them,

they never tumble out of my mouth or go through my pencil just right...

I wish I could show you

that I really mean it when I say that I love you,

I just don't know

how to be okay with you loving me back,

because I don't love me,

so how could someone as perfect as you?

I wish I could take back all of the terrible things

that I've said and done, because maybe then

I could prove that I mean it when I say

that I'm trying to be better;

prove that I didn't waste a year of my life 

faking it.

I wish that I didn't have to fix it all.

I wish that I could just be a kid,

that I could just sit on the couch

with potato chips and ice cream,

could watch movies with my girlfriend

without being scared of the consequences.

I wish that I could play sports

without being terrified that someone

might yell at me for being

transgender,

or scared someone

might assault me in the locker room.

I wish I could go to school

without constantly feeling like

people are judging me

for being different,

because everyone is different,

I'm just more obvious.

There are so many things

that I wish were different;

that I wish I didn't have to deal with,

things that shouldn't be

such a big deal,

but they're too big to ignore.

Sometimes, I wish that I could let myself

be mad or sad, or that I could just feel something 

without being mad that I've felt it;

I shouldn't have to worry

if I've hurt someone with my emotions,

but I do.

I always do.