I wish

I wish that in 7th grade

I loved the boy with the dimples.

He noticed me.

He made me laugh.

and I should have loved him.

I wish that in 8th grade

I could have hated the boy with the dimples.

his rejection of my feelings

(confessed through awkward forced actions)

should have broken me and ignited fury.

Instead it trickled mild embarrassment.

I wish it didn't take half of 9th grade to cure my self-loathing.

That my months of therapy and medication were for not;

my thighs re-scarred, my hate rekindled

and all because I realized I could not love the boy with the dimples,

because I was too busy staring at the girl with chocolate eyes.

I wish I could pass picketers on the street corner

my gaze slipping past.

I could walk on,

innocent and unknowing

instead of terrified.

eyes lingering too long,

chants of hate and promises of hell over-riding my senses.

What little confidence I have destroyed.

Ears covered

eyes watering

one thought on my mind:

What did I do to you?

I wish that school hallways weren't battlegrounds. 

Offhand comments becoming bullets,

'harmless' slurs transformed into grenades

binders and books form a shield from the hate

that never seems to end.

They don't notice that their 'fun'

bleakens the idea of tomorrow.

I wish that I was treated like a human being.

That I could hold my gf's hand and not recieve glares.

That my demands for equal rights were not met with hateful words.

That discussing my future wedding is not followed by awkward silence,

because even my friends think I am not human enough for such things.

I wish that my future children

whether they are gay

straight

bi

pan

ace 

or any other orientation

will never want to kill themselves,

 especially not because of who they love.

I wish that my gay was a phase

 that I could talk about boys with my friends.

never wincing at slurs that aren't directed at me.

feeling free of hateful gazes.

but it's ok.

The haters don't bother me anymore.

Because their hate

their anger and resentment

doesn't affect my love.

And I need to stop letting them think they do.

because they have no power over me,

they never did

and they never will.