I Wish I Were Ugly

I want you to fucking love me,

Instead of this body.

Because this body

Is not me.

It is a beast

Seeking attention

And affection

From the section

Of your brain

That is focused on sex

And kissing in the rain.

This body I have

Is undesired

Because it’s been wired

To make you want

To fuck me

But I just want you

To fucking love me.

I don’t want to be this skin

Clinging to this porcelain frame.

I want as many scars on my outside

As I feel on my inside.

I want hair that matches my spirit:

Untamable. uncooperative. unsatisfied

Unable to accept

How the world sees me

As just another pretty face.

I want eyes that look

As haunted

As the thoughts I find

Harbored in my mind.

But instead,

What’s inside my head

Remains dead

Like heavy pieces of lead

Because people are too busy

Listening to the way

That my lips brush together

Instead of listening

To the words that pass between them.

With no way of escaping

The ugly beauty that’s encasing

Every outer inch of me.

I scream.

And wish I could leave

This beauty

So that maybe

Someone would love me

Instead of my body.

And for all of the goddamn motherfucking ugly words

That come out of my

Oh-so-pretty mouth,

I wish someone would think that I’m ugly.

Because why do I have to be pretty?

And I would give anything

To direct eyes away.

Away from the cookie-cutter beauty

That imprisons me.

Yet,

With every dirty curse-word

That dares to pass my lips,

To everyone,

I am still nothing but alluring.

I want someone to tell me

“Looks mean nothing”

Your words define

Instead of someone

Always saying

“Hey there baby,

Wanna get with me?

You’re so pretty.”

Pretty.

That word.

That word burns.

Burns like acid on my tongue.

And so badly I wish it really was--

Burning burning burning

Holes through me

Through that ugly word pretty

So that people would see me.

Instead of seeing my beauty.

So that I could be happy.

And I could be ugly.