I Would Play Games with the Ceiling

I would lie awake at night while everybody else slept

I would play games with the ceiling

I would crouch on the bathroom floor waiting

For it to end, the feeling

I would lie awake at night and convince myself she’s dead

I would convince myself that they were done

When day came, I would hide outside for hours

Because I wanted to run

I would kneel on the bathroom floor and pray

Because I was so afraid

I would think so much the question of

“How much longer would I stay?”

I could never stop shivering those hot summer nights

I was afraid to do something wrong

I would walk backwards forward for good luck

And hope we could all get along

I felt dirty all the time

I felt violated all the time

I couldn’t bare the thought of their touch

I wanted to cry all the time

I wanted to scream all the time

But now one knows how much

So awake at night

I would pretend

And imagine

Her trying to wake my dead body the next morning

But I couldn't die

And I wouldn’t because

I had to play games with the ceiling