The ice has to melt

I remember when we cried over the telephone.

I can still recite your number, seven years later.

I can barely remember my own.

Your voice cracked, and broke down.

I thought it was weird, because you were so strong and cool.

When I moved, I swore that no one would ever be like you were to me.

Is that weird?

We were in middle school of course, but I really meant it.

I hated everyone in this place. I hated the heat. I hated the tall grass, and cracked pavement, and the bugs. I hated football.

I remember the snarky comments I made, scoffing at how 'People actually go to the games?'

I missed going to the mall, and I missed the manicured lawns, and I missed the playground, and stores that sold things I liked.

I said all of that, but it was mostly because I missed you. I missed doing those things with you.

Time passed, and my mom started to get angry.

"We live here now! You're acting like you lost a boyfriend! Why can't you lighten up already?"

I hated her for it. I wore out the bracelet you gave me until it fell to pieces.

How could she not understand what we had?

My first friend who won me toys at the fair, and came over every weekend, and who loved me like no one else did...

Oh no, mother. It wasn't love, of course not, she's my best friend. I've never had one before.

You asked me if I loved you. I said of course, you're my best friend.

I wouldn't let myself let go.

I was scared that eventually you'd go away. That if I made new friends, I'd never have those years back. That I'd forget. That my happiness would be gone.

You made new friends though.

It cut off, like radio static.

I sometimes wonder if you know that I meant yes, but that I was scared.

I sometimes think that it's what made you go cold.

I made a few friends.

It wasn't the same, of course.

I guess I was scared to be so close. I was scared of 'You're acting like she's your boyfriend.'

I didn't laugh like I used to, or dress like I used to,  or wear the shredded bracelet any more.

I wore nice clothes, that a boy would like.

I went to parties by the river, with a nice group of friends and dated a nice boy.

I liked my friends.

I lied when my nice boy asked if I liked kissing him.

I did it anyway though.

I was cruel to him, I think.

He wanted me to meet his family, come to his family parties, try the soup his grandmother makes, meet all of his friends.

He was too nice for me.

When he left for college, I was relieved. I told him that it couldn't be the same anymore.

That I wanted him to go his own way, and that I would go mine.

He loved me.

I lied more.

We're still friends. We still talk when he's free.

I didn't go to college when school was over.

I stayed home for a year.

I hated myself.

I hated school.

I hated the world.

I hated this town, and all the people who called themselves my friends.

'They're lying,' I thought.

'I'm unlovable'. I thought.

If they were my friends, why did they all leave?

Why did you leave?

Why did they stop talking to me?

Why does everyone go cold?

There was something wrong with me.

There was a good boy, who I should have married.

There were good, smart, successful people, who I should have stayed with and followed.

I was still hard, and cold, and angry.

I wanted to die.

I was too cowardly to die.

I was too cowardly to get a job, go to school.

I broke things sometimes.

'I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I haven't got any friends, or anyone who would even care if I was gone.'

It was 1 am on a cold and angry evening.

We talked again.

You promised me the world. You promised to visit me.

You called me pretty.

I could fly.

Then you were gone again.

I was  cold again.

Someone else talked to me at 1 am. It was a cold, lonely night.

She was someone I thought had abandoned me.

She was about to kill herself.

I stayed on the phone with her all night, until her grandmother brought her home from college.

We don't talk all night on the phone. We don't call each other pretty, and promise the moon.

Its nice sometimes though, having a friend.

I started getting my act together.

I signed up for local college.

I cleaned up my room.

You and I talked again.

You wanted to take me to washington D.C.

It wasn't the same as last time.

I didn't flutter, my heart didn't stop when I saw your name pop up.

I think I'm over you now.

I think I'm done resurrecting the dead.

I'm studying engineering now.

I'm my own friend.

I have a few others though.

Its nice when they're here, but I don't die when they're gone.

I grew my own wings, after I realized I can't rely on yours, or anyone else's for that matter.

The ice melted.

I grew up.

I hope you're growing up too, wherever you are.

I hope there isn't ice in your heart. It was a pain getting rid of mine.