Identity Crisis

I’m here again

Back in the place I’ve always been

Hiding emotions too intense to explain

The difference now is,

I know what it means

To give so much of yourself

Without getting much in return

I say this, because I worry

That I might like him

Might even love him

But, it’s an impossible situation

It’s funny,

It was perhaps my greatest deception yet

Convinced myself that I don’t feel the way I do

That I had no serious feelings raw and true

But, I wasn’t, not really,

I didn’t want him to be my first

But I wanted him like I’ve never wanted anyone else

I mean there was this one guy

But he never calls anymore

Perhaps, because he’s damaged

I don’t know

Either damaged people are attracted to me

Or I gravitate towards those people

I feel compelled to fix

Perhaps, that doesn’t matter though

Sometimes, I swear I’m a guy

I love to feel needed

I don’t mind hooking up

I call everyone bro

That sad girl inside me,

She’s really just melancholy somehow

I’m more confident

I’m happier

I’m really living now

But, she’s still there

Rearing her downtrodden look

Whenever I’m vulnerable

Missing the happy she took

I wish I could escape her

I wish she would let me

Enjoy myself with less pain

With less heartache

Because I know that is exactly what he will cause me

Lots of pain, I mean he already has

I just ignored it,

Too immersed in my own game

But, I still feel his arms wrapped around me

I remember how it felt with him inside me

The act itself wasn’t beautiful or mindblowing

But the intensity of his need was what kept me going

The feeling I got when I saw him the next morning

When he tried to kiss me but couldn’t because I was awkward

And when he tried again,

When he said goodbye for a third time before he left

When he texted to remind me he was thinking of me

All the beautiful words he uses to describe me

The way he kisses me…

I’m done for…maybe…probably

But, I know, he’s not mine

Or at least I’m constantly reminded of another

The one he really loves

I know I’m not her

And I’m confident I’d never want to be her

But, she’s still the lucky one

She can love him

Even though he hurt her

He still goes back to her

Maybe that’s not love

But it means something

There are too many reasons

We would never work

The main one being,

That he really doesn’t feel the same

And that’s fine, I understand

I still don’t want him to leave

To lose whatever it is we began

It’ll never last

It’ll never be real

He’ll never be the guy

I want and need him to be

But for now it’s fine

Because when he’s around

I know he knows how to love me,

Long time.  

And now, I understand my friend

Who feels so much

And loves so deeply

This one guy

Who will never realize

The love and pain hiding just behind her eyes

We, we are more alike

Than either of us understand

Living and loving

Because we have no better plan

I don’t know

If we’ll ever find true requited love

But, for now we’ll love and love

Till they’ve had enough

Though it does not fit the general definition

That, in its own way

Is amazing and wonderful

Absolutely stunning and imperfectly beautiful