IDK what to do

I hate being alive, wishing I was dead.

But I can't leave my family like this so I just write instead.

7:16pm. Staring at the wall with emptyness. 

My cat understands me my heart is heavy.

A late night drive hopefully that helps.

Tears running down my face, sobbering while my makup melts.

I'm just in pain, deep pain. Please I just want it to stop.

Everyday my mental health is getting worse but are we really shocked?

A loner. No friends. All I got is me. I feel numb as numbing cream 

walking the streets filled with debris.

Drugs dont help anymore. The wind flow through my curls.

It starts to rain, the water made a puddle creating beautiful swirls.

"A strong woman who had a amazing spirit", the pastor reads.

Feeling used as a paper towel throwing me away I cede.

Keeping everything in, I really  have no choice as I weep.

Laying in bed dismayed often feeling incomplete.

Soothing my mind with music, looking up at the ceiling. 

Avoiding mirrors, turning away as they made me look unappealing.

How can I be happy again? Making these thoughts go away forever.

Semi-colon on my wrist, I made a promise to never endeavor.