If I Were Afraid
Location
If I were afraid of the woman behind
The whites of my eyes, I could kill
To get away from that feeling.
If I were afraid to be myself, I would carry
Pepperspray and hold my own hand
crossing the street, looking down
To avoid the glare of my reflection.
If I were afraid of myself, I would never dance
I would hug the walls of rooms
Like they are lovers, I would shake in fear
When I see the rise of my breath
Beneath the covers because
To be terrified to be is the most
Horrible thing of all.
If I were afraid to be,
To be myself or no one at all, I
Would speak in silent sentences
The caustic fountain of lost words,
The litany of the worthless,
The sermon of the self-hating but
I have trained myself not to be afraid.
I carry pepperspray to keep away
The people who would keep me away
From the girl I am inside,
Not to warn myself and keep my smile
In check.
I laugh as loud as the roar of a subway train,
I have learned to look my reflection in the eyes,
I have learned to love the rise and fall of my chest
Underneath the cover, no enemy but the parody
Of a gentle, quiet lover.
I would pass the walls by like I
Don't know their names,
Like I don't remember their embrace
From my wallflower days.
And I would learn
Not to be afraid.