If I Were Afraid

If I were afraid of the woman behind

The whites of my eyes, I could kill

To get away from that feeling.

If I were afraid to be myself, I would carry

Pepperspray and hold my own hand

crossing the street, looking down

To avoid the glare of my reflection.

If I were afraid of myself, I would never dance

I would hug the walls of rooms

Like they are lovers, I would shake in fear

When I see the rise of my breath

Beneath the covers because

To be terrified to be is the most

Horrible thing of all.

If I were afraid to be,

To be myself or no one at all, I

Would speak in silent sentences

The caustic fountain of lost words,

The litany of the worthless,

The sermon of the self-hating but

I have trained myself not to be afraid.

I carry pepperspray to keep away

The people who would keep me away

From the girl I am inside,

Not to warn myself and keep my smile

In check.

I laugh as loud as the roar of a subway train,

I have learned to look my reflection in the eyes,

I have learned to love the rise and fall of my chest

Underneath the cover, no enemy but the parody

Of a gentle, quiet lover.

I would pass the walls by like I

Don't know their names,

Like I don't remember their embrace

From my wallflower days.

And I would learn

Not to be afraid.