If I Were A Babe With A Tan

If I were a babe with a tan,

I’d lay out each day, spick and span,

I’d oil and repeat and send out a tweet,

If I were a babe with a tan.

If I were a babe with a tan,

I would swagger all over Cannes,

The French boys would come out and check out and hum out,

“Bonjour! To that babe with a tan.”

If I were a babe with a tan,

I’d spend all my days in sedans,

With lipgloss and shades and sweet cabernet,

If I were a babe with a tan.

If I were a babe with a tan,

You wouldn’t catch me eating flan,

I’d be awkwardly slim with pencil thin limbs,

If I were a babe with a tan.

But I’m not some babe with a tan,

That ain’t ever been in my plans,

With ego to spare and Starbs and fake hair,

And perverts as number one fans.

Ain’t ever been in my plans,

Struttin’ and flauntin’ all “grand”,

Just cryin’ and pukin’ all over the land,

If I were a babe with a tan.