If YOU wanna be my lover

Selena Jean-Pierre

If you wanna be my lover you have to get with my

-self loathing, bipolar, depression, loneliness, anxiety

I know you may love me-

And that you see the truth that I've refused to let myself believe

But it gets so hard, you see.

I guess when you're used to this constant battle in your head,

You stop fighting it and let it destroy you,

And you sit there and look pretty, unsure of what to do.

When I can come up with million of reasons why I hate myself

-But fail to imagine why I should love myself

It's moments like this when I realize that all I've struggled with are for naught

And the shit that’s been happening to me- I begin to feel that they’re all my fault.

So I sit there, lost in my thoughts- all very confusing and unclear, finding it hard to keep up with them.

You have to be able to love me when you find yourself tripping over yourself and this bullet train won't stop for no one.

Moments where its all highs, cherishing this adrenaline rush because to be honest I just want to have fun

I appreciate recognizing what joy feels like because it is so rare

Days where I get so fed up with my body taking up space in a room like an elephant but my mind is anywhere but here

And the experience is so much better because it's with you

You have to love me when I wanna stay in bed, wrapped up in a thick blanket although the devil himself is breathing down my back

Be there when I don’t want to make skin contact with you

-hell, even talk but I can still feel your presence in the midst of the silence that has engulfed us

Or when I talk about death or wanting to end my life because I realize how much life sucks and how much I suck

I hate talking like that because I know there's so much more to life but fuck-

Understand that regardless of how many times we go on dates, or send lengthy love letters to one another that I'm always going to feel lonely.

This unidentified, genderless, raceless thing that I knew of way before I knew what depression meant

-a feeling that has gnarled its roots into my body

Understand that it’s the reason why I feel so choked up majority of the time like the devil draining my life source from a straw

 slowly and painfully,

Know that our good times will get cut short of this

So when I scream on top of my aching lungs for you to get out

-I pray that you defy me and stay because I'm worth the risk.

Understand that when I'm crying

-hot tears rolling down my face like an endless waterfall

It's not because I'm sad, its because I'm fed up and tired of it all

And the worst of all days is when I find peace while I'm drowning because I'm agreeing with the voices, the monsters in my head

I've learned to know that they don't live under my bed

Or wear masks-

No, they are the best kind of friends that I can ever ask for

You have to love the idea that some days all you'll get is a good morning and goodnight text because I'm too busy catching up with anime at the age of 25

Because, obviously, I have no life

Love the idea that I will be blowing up your phone with me just sending the alphabets and if I mess up, trust and believe that I will restart

Accept the fact that I will get jealous all the time because I have this voice that’s constantly telling me you will leave-

Because how could someone love me more than I love myself?

Understand that I'm going to worry about you cheating even though you've never gave me a reason to believe that

My trust issue is so fucked up, and I always hated admitting that fact

Understand that I will never bring  it up but want you to know that I still think about it

And when I ask you, why do you love me, its not because I don’t believe it, its because I need reassurance

I'm used- I mean, I should be used to people pulling on my heartstrings like a violinist does to a violin,

But I guess I must have forgotten to pay attention to the beauty of how skillful the violinist moved his fingers

-but noticed the sorrowful melodies the violin yelled.

Understand that when I'm being an asshole it doesn’t mean I don’t care

If anything I care way too much about you, that I'm not afraid to lose you because you'll always be here

Understand that my asshole side speaks so much more than you realize

So sweetheart, darling, babe, baby?

If you wanna be my lover you have to be patient with me.

I am like a fragile toddler taking its first step

Each day is just hard as the day before

-if not harder

Know that I will speak with a sharp serpent's tongue, saying so many things that I don’t mean-

It's not me talking, it's my emotions

And when I neglect you or push you away, you come back ten times harder

Be prepared for empty silence that fills our room way more than necessary but we're too busy cuddling with each other

Fall in love with the fact that I think and do the weirdest things ever

Think fast, if an alien would come down to kill us what would be the first thing you grab as a weapon?

See? Weird. I told you so.

Be able to have meaningful conversations about life, love, other worlds, God, politics, or why the Kardashian fucked up one of our black brothers again with their messed up lives but imma shake my head and just sip this tea

Learn that I want to be with you not against you, and when I say things that opposes your views,

Its because I'm not bs you rather telling you the real, the truth.

But whatever you do, don’t patronize me. Don’t make me feel smaller than you.

I've felt like that for 16 years, and I would hate to feel it when I'm with you.

Don’t make me have to hold in secrets because telling you makes me uncomfortable

When I get uncomfortable, you'll get uncomfortable, and then we'll be in an uncomfortable ass relationship

Understand that I will drop everything for you

So if you wanna be my lover, learn to be my friend before you break something inside of me and I lose all ability to ever want to survive. Because now you've become the only thing worth living for.