I'll Be Careful

Dear Almost Lover, 

I watched your face light up as you talked about her and for the first time I really thought about the possibility that you might have found your one. You've been talking about the pets you want and how badly you want a baby. You'll make the greatest mom. You'll be patient and kind while teaching them the ways of the world and you will love them endlessly. 

I have seen you smile more genuinely the last couple of weeks than I ever have before. If I'm not mistaking, she's the one to thank for that. She's nice to you, yet still knows how to playfully call you out on your strange habits. She understands the way you interact with people and is confident in her relationship with you. I am so happy that you have found that comfort with someone. 

I had been feeling distant from your life recently and I wasn't sure where we stood. You really stepped up for me this weekend though and knew exactly what I needed. You talked me through the entire thing and the fact that you gave up a Friday night to help me break the ice is something I will be forever grateful for. 

I spent the weekend tangled up in sheets with a stranger and I found myself looking for you more times than I can count. I found myself looking for the color of your eyes and the scent of your hair. I heard myself asking questions I didn't care about the answers to and caught myself wondering what you were doing instead. 

I missed the way you knew exactly how much space I needed and how intimacy stresses me out. I thought about the way you never pressured me into anything at all and always made me feel safe and comfortable. I thought about your head in my lap and that always being enough for you while she couldn't be close to me for longer than a few seconds before it became clear that she wanted more.

You and I could make eye contact from across the room and I would lose all my other senses in your eyes. You made me feel like the only person you could see in a way that was both exciting and reassuring. With her, I felt like a mouse being stalked by a cat. She looked at me like I was a game she knew she'd win.  You always looked at me like I was a puzzle you patiently wanted to solve.

Last night you caught me off guard. You got really serious and looked me right in the eye when you said, "Be careful. I'd be really upset if you died. We're friends now. That means you're not just looking out for yourself now. I'm serious. Be careful."

I hadn't even realized how much I needed to hear that. I wasn't expecting it, but once again, you knew exactly what to say and when I needed to hear it the most. 

I think a part of me will always look for you in the people who touch my life. You taught me a lot about what it means to have a deep connection with someone and how that can sometimes be more intimate than sex ever will be. 

We haven't talked about it in awhile, but I've been working through my feelings for you a lot lately. I was having a tough time trying to find a way to forget all the nights we stayed up way too late talking and all the times you asked to see me. I couldn't forget all the "I heart you"s. 

Feelings change though and eventually I saw our connection in a new light. As you said, we're friends now and I can't just worry about myself. Your happiness is worth more than unresolved feelings. 

Last night, I thought for the first time that you may actually have found your one. And last night, I thought for the first time that I am genuinely happy for you.

Yours truly,

The Last Before Your One