I'm Just Tired

As I sit in scilence while eating with my friends, "I'm just tired" I tell them

As everyone around me laughs at a viral cat video, "I'm just tired" I tell them 

As my best friend notices this change in me, "I'm just tired" I tell her

I tell her this because it is too complicated 

I tell her this because how do I explain the feeling of wanting to die but not being suicidal

How do I explain becoming best friends with the moon and the stars brewing tea with the bags under my eyes to help make the night monsters go away

How do I explain this internal battle I face every morning just to get out of bed

How do I explain my ache of starlight

Of the intense burning in my chest that will one day burst and set fire to everything within a 10,000 mile radius 

That is how I validate insomnia

The moon is my only true friend

The moon is already lit up by another star meaning I cannot set fire to it 

That's how I validate isolation 

The perception that I will hurt those around me 

When people ask what is wrong I just want to scream "I don't know"

But "I don't know" will raise too many red flags 

So for now, I'm just tired