"I'm not afraid of dying"(but I'm terrified of living when death seems so easy)

I think what people don't understand is that what I'm going trough is not something I can bond with someone over. It's not like asking about the weather, fuck I hate the weather, well I don't hate it but how am I supposed to enjoy the storms inside my mind & the tsunamis inside my heart to someone who's shielding the rain with a pretty red umbrella. Anxiety isn't cool, nor poetic, but we make it seem that way so "I'm just tired" doesn't sound like laziness, because when my boss asks me why the bags under my eyes are so obvious that even makeup can't cover, I can just tell her I haven't slept very well, & she'll ask me if I've tried melatonin just so I can nod my head & say once or twice, when in reality I've taken narcotics since I was 17 years old, but a few months & a couple of bottles later, I'm sitting awake at 4 in the morning. It's not that I won't sleep, it's not that I don't sleep, it's that I can't sleep because there's seeds planted in the dark shadows of my eyes & if I don't let them grow, I just might die. Every night I scrub my hands clean of blood that's not there & My arms are poetry hidden in between my skin, & if you read in between the lines then maybe you'll understand, but the sad truth is that no one wants to take the time to know a girl with scars on her legs & cigarette burns on her thighs, & my mom always told me not to run with scissors but I didn't listen. My story isn't written in pretty ink on a pretty piece of paper or the stars shining bright at night, it's all the seasons tied up in knots, seen together with my veins, it's 7 journals in the past 8 months & 13 suicide notes all crammed in the back of my closet, it's 9 pills a day kissed by a glass of vodka or maybe 3, & you might think it's a symbol of beauty, but it's not, it's a form of torture, & that's what people don't seem to understand, but my job is not to make you understand it, my job is to survive it.