I'm Not Okay.

I’m not okay.

I’m sitting on the bathroom tiles,

Crying,

Screaming,

Hurting.

The blade glides merrily across my arm,

Slice

Slice

Slice.

I’m not okay,

Memories come flooding back.

Old rusty truck

Broken trust

Tongue choking throat

I have become the fearful lion

‘Cause everybody started to look like him.

I’m not okay.

Everything is a trigger.

A simple move sets off a collage of thoughts

Taking me back to his sandpaper touch

Holding me captive against his naked prison

The sound of dreams breaking and souls crushing

Could’ve said no.

Could’ve said no.

Could’ve said no.

No didn’t come out of my frozen mouth

Only,

I’m not okay.

Terrified, you have heard the stories, right?

They never say no. They can’t say no.

They get hurt.

I’m not okay.

Depression starts,

I can’t get out of bed for fear of failure

I have to get up.

I have to get up.

I have to get up.

Panic attacks.

Weeks where staying alive is hard.

Trying to go smoothly through the motions of life

Falling to pieces.

I’m not okay.