I'm okay

Don’t fake your happiness you said

I want to see the real you, you said

And all I could think of

Is the emptiness inside of me

Begging to escape.

So I try,

Let it out

But still it doesn’t escape.

You said talk to me

So when you asked,  if I’m okay

I told you

That I’m not.

I told you that every car is waiting

For me to step in front

I told you my thoughts are darker than the night sky

But your response,

Was something that you find in a leaflet.

Was something generic.

Was something that I’ve heard

A million times before.

So the next time you asked me if I’m okay

I told you I’m great!

I lied to you and made it look like I’m getting better

When in fact I spent an hour every day

Writing a suicide note

And your response is a smile

You believe every lie that

Flows out of my mouth

You believe my words

More than the truth in my eyes.

I don’t know whether that it’s me that’s being naïve

Or if it’s you just playing dumb,

Because I swear I cry out for help every day

Yet it takes me three long paragraphs just

To explain I’m not doing well.

And then you ask if I’m okay

And I tell you that I’m not okay,

I tell you no one understands

And you respond saying you understand

But then I don’t understand

Because I get frustrated,

You assume I choose to be like this

When in fact I’m in a battle with my own mind

Every second of the day.

My mood is no longer based on

The weather forecast

Because all that I seem to hear,

Is the thunder

But I hold on to the thunder

As a part of me wishes that the thunder

Will scare my thoughts away,

And when I tell you this

You think I’m joking.

So now when you ask if I’m okay

I no longer respond

I ask about you

And you respond telling me you’re not okay,

You tell me about an experience that I

Have never been through

Yet I spend three hours convincing you

That everything will get better.

And then you walk away.

You come back the next day

Smiling,

And oh God I feel jealous

Jealous of the fact that you can get over bad experiences

While my mind relays the thoughts from 2 years ago

While my mind replicates the darkness of the sky

Without stars.

When my mind looks for the moon

I look for you.

But I tell you I’m okay

Because I know your response could never

Counter my thoughts.

Your response has no effort.

Your response is a million other things

Than what I was thinking about.

So now if you ask me I’m okay

I’ll reply saying I am,

Because I’m tired of getting hurt by the moon

I’m tired of getting let down by you.