I'm Scared To Love

I always imagined a healthy relationship as one with love

me loving someone more than I loved a friend

More than I loved a Cousin 

More than I loved fries (and boy do I love fries)

More than I loved sleep

More than I loved listening to music or shopping or tv

More than I loved me

I thought that a healthy relationship meant sacrificing everything that I am to make someone else happy

And putting them first always

I thought a healthy relationship meant no longer being a "me" but a "we"

and staying even if I was unhappy because "every good thing takes time"

I thought a healthy relationship meant staying through the arguments even if they happened everyday

I thought it meant cutting off all of my friends because a jealous man isnt a happy man

I thought it meant crying as long as eventualy I smile... hopefully

I thought it meant confusion and loneliness and during really bad times abuse

I thought a healthy relationship was what my mom was in

even though she cried and fought and ran away

I thought it was a healthy relationship because she always came back

I thought it was a healthy relationship because she stayed 

even when she was scared

or

when I was scared

Sometimes I still think that was a healthy relationship

"it's better to have loved than to never love at all"

Well I'm scared to love because even though I know a healthy relationship isnt anything I said

It's all that I know