I'm so hurt, but I will thrive

He died when I was three

That's not normal

Imagine being a kid

and seeing your dad rush out of your brother's bedroom

cradling him in his arms

calling 911 manically 

and you just stand there in the living room

puzzled because you think he's calling his mom for advice

The paramedics come in with a gurney

and there's a helicopter outside your house

and you and your brothers stand in your room, 

not knowing what's going on 

Then your mom comes home

and everything is a blur from there 

You don't know what death is

but your brother is gone 

and the crematorium has a reception desk 

with a tinted blue window between the receptionist and you 

She offers you lime green Jell-O

and you accept it

You'll never forget its taste

Apparently you went to his funeral 

but you don't remember this when you grow up

You were just three

Everything in the family turns upside down as a result

You don't remember this

but your mom is mad at your dad for not checking on him earlier

Your mom quits working

and everyone closes them off from the world 

There is only one feeling: grief 

You don't learn how to hold a pencil correctly 

because your mom was too sad 

She forgot to teach you 

You learn later on that she is sorry for not doing enough when you were younger

but you tell her she did the best she could

You can't imagine what it is like to lose a child 

 

Your parents try their best to rebuild the family 

There is no right way to do this 

But you learn early on that your relatives suck 

They tell your parents that he's in a better place, 

as if that's supposed to be comforting

Your uncle asks your dad to fix his computer for free after your brother's death

Can you believe how this guy only thought about himself? 

Eventually your parents bring another child into this world 

and he is the light of everyone's lives

Your biggest joy is being his older sister 

But your mom's still not working

and then your parents lose all their money

but they don't scare you and your brothers with that news

Your dad just goes out for interviews

and finds a second job

He works himself to exhaustion

It's been eleven years

and your dad's body is giving out

Your mom's body is giving out too 

You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders

as you are a full-time student

a part-time employee

a friend

a daughter

an officer

a harassment survivor 

You cry so much when you're alone 

Your parents criticize you

but you're just doing the best you can 

You work all the time

and your body is giving out 

Do you even do anything for yourself

or is it all for the sake of the family? 

You harbor all this hurt

and you realize Rupi Kaur is right

You can take all this bitterness

and turn it into Milk and Honey

Look at you go be a leader

Look at you make money 

Look at you ace that quiz 

Look at you speak different languages

Look at you type properly 

Look at you care for others 

Just step back and look at all you've done and all you are 

You love your friends

and they love you so much 

You love your coworkers 

and they care about you so, so much 

You love your officers

and they listen to you when you're stressed

You have so much going for you

and life is tough

but it will always be this way 

This is something you were born into 

But you smile and laugh 

because people remind you that life isn't meant to be a constant state of turmoil 

You are so deserving of love

You are so deserving of respect

You are so deserving of happiness