I'm Tired

I’m tired of being told that I look like the artsy type

Dresses don’t make me girly, they say that I like to feel pretty

Painting doesn’t mean you can take me less seriously 

It means the colors help me cope, help me express what words can’t

Singing out loud doesn’t mean I like the sound of my voice

It means that my pain is in wavelengths

In frequencies that are only expressible to a tune

Listening to the ideas of others doesn’t mean I don’t have my own, 

It means others are better expressing my pain than I am

I’m tired of being told that I need to lose weight

I like food because it is a comfort

The warmth for my lonely soul 

The cool drink of water to keep it from overheating

The energy for when my tank is low

The break from the pounding of my feet on the sidewalk,

The relationships meals build, 

The families they nourish, including my own. 

I’m tired of the surprise in their eyes when I say I like math

Math isn’t exclusive to one gender

Yeah, I look a little different

Yeah, I don’t fit the stereotype.

But when have I ever?

And why do I need to?

Math makes sense to me, It is the only thing in life that does.

There are no exceptions to the rules,

No grey to the black and white.

It is my home, where my mind is at rest

The messy solutions to the messier questions

It’s music to my ears and a comfort to my soul.  

I’m tired of being told that it will be okay, that the pain is temporary

He will never come back, I will never hear his voice, feel his arms

The loss will never go away

It will never stop hurting, I will just get better at dealing with the pain

Yeah, loss is a part of life

Yeah, life isn’t always fair

Yeah, I say that there is always a bright side to be found

But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less 

I still feel the pain. Every. Day. 

I am so tired of stereotypes.

Of being told that this is my box and I need to fit into it

And unfair expectations

And “normal”

I don’t want to be normal because I am not normal and I never have been. 

I never will be. 

I don’t fit in the boxes because they aren’t big enough.

I am not a stereotype, I am me. 

I am a nerd

A dork

A geeky girl who wears dresses every day 

And sings while I read comic books 

between the classic novels of Tolstoy and Dickens 

after I finish my 33+ calculus problems that I love to hate 

just like my expanded waistline 

and my adorably short hair that makes me look older.

I am a human with legitimate feelings and emotions

and I like to be taken seriously but nobody takes “children” seriously 

even if the child is an 18 year old with more life experience then they would expect and more passion about the things she loves than they will ever be able to fathom. 

I am not perfect.

I am not normal.

I am not one thing.

I am dichotomous;

I’m tired of being shoved into categories where I don’t belong.

I’m tired of being judged before I open my mouth.

I’m NOT tired of being me, and I never will be.