I'm Tired

I’m tired.

Oh so tired.

Of doing everything I’m supposed to.

Of being the girl that everyone can count on.

The responsible one.

I want to throw things, break things

And scream at the top of my lungs.

Instead I grit my teeth and my fists as well

To keep the rebellion inside.

I will keep my head rigidly held up

Even as my eyes resign.

It seems life requires so much of us.

They steal away my creativity and put a label on my passions.

Determine how much money my interests can make.

They steal the joy of knowledge until bleary eyed I finally stumble to bed

At 3am.

And then they grade my efforts on a black and white page.

They used to tell me I could be anything I wanted.

They told me to dream big,

The sky is the limit!

I could be an astronaut,

A ninja, ballerina,

A spy…..

Anything.

Then you grow up a little and they say “here’s what you really are.”

They hand me a label and a box to fit myself in.

They say you’re not smart enough,

You’re not pretty enough,

You’re not athletic enough,

You’re not talented enough to accomplish this or

Succeed in that.

They keep telling me no

That I’m not good enough and I’ll never be good enough.

They keep saying no, but you have to scream back yes.

Say I am good enough.

I am bold and fearless and gutsy and willing to work for it.

Choose to say yes to all the no’s in your life.

Choose to step outside the little box

That’s been cramping your legs as well as your dreams.

I’ve been stuck in the box labeled as the nerd, the try hard, the wanna-be, the weirdo and just about anything else you can think of. 

These labels they stick with us, like the residue that stays behind when we take the price sticker off a purchase. 

I have allowed my heart to be purchased by the world.

I sold it for the dollar store price of 99 cents.

Not seeing the value in what has been disvalued in this culture.

 The value is hardest to see in ourselves because we know our deepest flaws, see the cancerous cells on our heart that we keep hidden from everyone else.

But here’s the secret: we all have those parts.

No one can live up to the perfect standards that we all strive for.

And yet strive we still do.

We yearn to become something that is unattainable because it means we are in control.

And now that we are on the subject:

control is an illusion. 

Maybe that’s why we walk through life in a perpetual state of tiredness

because we are chasing something that will always be out of our reach. 

We keep running and running, but maybe if we simply turn around He will be there.

He’s been there the whole time

waiting for us to simply catch site of Him and give up on the foolish chase that has been consuming our lives.