(Im)perfection

I am so damn angry

and I don;'t even know who I'm mad at

I could blame the faulty universe

Maybe I'm mad at myself for not being who I can be

Maybe I'm mad at them for not seeing all I am and will be

But I don't know because this world is so fake and so filtered that I can't see the reality that lies beneath the cloak of brightness that drowns out the supposed flaws and I so badly want to unmask reality and see life unfiltered

Yet I can't 

And I am so angry

My ears ring with a high pitched ting so I can't hear the cries of hate from within and around

But if the rest of the world could see me with no filter, they might cherish me

But maybe I'd be so repugnant that they couldn't stand to face me

And the filtration was the only saving grace for me

They'd never love me if I had no filter, they still don't love me when I do

But I'm too afraid of the fallout with the people I'm supposed to love that I can't fathom removing my mask of who they want me to be

I physically can't

And I am so angry

Angry that I don't love myself enough to have the confidence to live with no filter

Angry that I don't have the courage to forget what they think and be me

It enrages me that in being what people want, I'm not being myself

When will just being me ever be enough?

When?

Because I'm so tired of living this life when I'm turning up the brightness and drowning out the flaws and determining my self worth by the number of followers I have or the amount of likes I can get.

Because I can't be what they want unfiltered

Being genuinely me doesn't cut it

Being me is generous and jealous, caring yet demeaning with a bit too much sass for my own good

Being me constitutes a proud young woman that tries her best to not live behind the labels of what would be or should've been or had been or will be

Be me means I'm obsessive and creative and a paradoxical mishmas of kind and mean

I'm not even a list of adjectives in a poem

I'm tonight, rain and listening to heavy droplets fall from the sky onto the cold pavement in the dead of night

I'm unstable and desperate to be wanted, to be loved, to be cherished, to be enough

I'm crying at 2 am when the only voice that care enough to be there are the demons inside my mind

I'm having the strength to peel my wet body off of the cold shower floor and pretend I was never crying

I'm crazy baggage that you feel the weight of yet you never get to look inside the suitcase to see exactly what's wrong

I'm the hope of perfection yet the dire realism that I am innately human

I'm angry late night conversations that never really get resolved and unhappy thoughts, jealous thoughts, angry thoughts

God I am so angry

But yes, lets tell all that to my world full of self centered and inconsiderate peole 

Lets expose all my emotions to people who only care when you're perfect

I'm not even sure i want to show my complexities to the people who only want me filtered

They don't deserve to see who I really am

And I guess this is just the long way of saying that my supposed friends wouldn't understand me if I lived with no filter

And its a damn shame

Because my flaws are fucking great