Indirectly Hurting Me

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry?

I am sorry

But I’m also not sorry

I love you so much

And I know you love me too

But we hurt each other so much

And often I just have to swallow and accept

I know I hurt you and I’m sorry

But every time I mess up, anytime I mess up

You dig into me, piercing me with words

I’m just scared to confront now

Because I know I’ll lose, and I’ll cry, and I’ll hurt

And I don’t want to face that

So it’s better if I stay quiet

But then with just a surface scratch, everything is visible, because it’s just buried

I feel so sorry that in the end I have to burden you with these feelings

But they were never worked through, and they never disappeared

Perhaps you saw them and ignored them, perhaps I disguised it too well

Perhaps I avoided the conversation, but . . . you are ignoring me

You’re ignoring my feelings, my cries, my yearn for validation of feelings or existence

Your everything isn’t my everything, and my everything isn’t your everything

I’m never enough, I’m not enough

I can’t validate myself, I fear to acknowledge my feelings for fear of not acknowledging yours

It’s not just this, it’s everything that’s happened, that I’ve ignored and you’ve passed through

You think that by shutting me up it’s solved but it’s not, you don’t acknowledge the root and accuse me of raising my voice when that’s not the problem

You go on a call and insult me in everything

Indirectly hurting me

That’s what you do