Infatuated, bcily.

When we met, I fell into your deep, brown eyes,

Like Legos, we connected, like puzzle pieces we were a perfect fit.

Because I love you, and you loved me.

Every tick of the clock felt like hours, because every second with you, felt like an eternity.

Busy highways, crowded busses, long cafeteria lines,

Nothing could ruin my mood, because I was in love with you.

I believe they call this the honeymoon stage, where you can’t get enough of your partner,

Because we loved each other.

We spent every single moment together.

Lunch time, study dates at coffee shops, late night phone calls.

I could not get enough of you, because I love you.

My heart would beat just as fast as the speed of light,

Every two hundred ninety-nine million seven hundred ninety-two thousand four hundred fifty-eight

meters per second.

God that’s fast.

You worried about me every second of the day

Because you loved me.

You had me tied around your finger where ever I went.

Calls, texts, video chats, GPS tracking.

You wanted to make sure I was okay, because you love me.

Then your eyes weren’t so brown anymore.

The shimmer that reflected on your eyes that day we first met

Turned into eyes that were full of rage when I was with you.

I believe this is what people call the stage of doubts

Where you feel that this is wrong, but you can’t do anything to leave

Because you love him.

Then I saw a side of you that I have never seen before.

The once in a while “Where are you” texts turned to endless phone calls while I was in class

But God, it is so cute how you think of me when we’re not together

And pulling me away from my friends because you wanted to have time with me

But how adorable is it that you want to spend time with me 24/7?

And telling me to stay at home so that no one would come after me

Gosh, how cute is it that you care for my safety

Then your warm hugs became suffocating hugs

Sleeping together no longer meant sleeping together

Me holding your hand turned to you dragging me by the wrists

And “I love you” turned into “Fuck you”

And yet, I was blinded by your love to ever leave.

The once occasional offensive remarks toward me turned into daily degrading comments

But God, you are still so cute and attractive when your face turns red with anger

Where hickeys turned into bruises

But your touch is still as soft as your hair

And our arguments turned to you throwing a bottle towards me

God, should I be worried?

But I was still here, because I love you.

And you only did those things because hey, you love me.

Because I love you, my bank account went dry

Just like my social life, it was non-existent.

Because I love you, I couldn’t focus in school

And just like my academics, I fell below average.

Because I love you, I was oblivious

Wait, is this really happening?

Because I loved you, I fell in love with every aspect of you.

In love with your cute face,

Your mannerisms,

The company you give,

Your security.

I was in love with your over protectiveness,

Your paranoia,

Your abusive behavior.

Wait, is this love?

All this time we were together,

I didn’t realize that the suspension bridge between the us

Was already crumbling right below our feet, and my life was suspended, so I could be with you.

Suspension turned into tension

Tension turned into suppression,

And the only thing that was keeping this bridge from completely collapsing

Were the suspender cables, that were ready to give out, any moment from now.

You were my safe haven to escape my own problems

Yet that safe haven wasn’t so safe, yet it was safer than my own mind.

Your abuse kept me from abusing myself.

And the shadow you cast over me, was brighter than the darkness I casted over myself.

I loved you, because I didn’t love myself.

Because I love you I stuck by you.

Then I realized, I was deaf to what you were telling me.

And finally waking up, I hear the words you spoke to me.

No more of this “Do this because I love you” nonsense

And more of “Because I love you, do what makes you happy.”

For me to be happy,

I need to leave you.

For me to be happy,

I need to realize that this is NOT love.

For me to be happy,

I need love that won’t trample me under his feet.

For me to be happy,

I need to be aware of the chain you put around my leg.

For me to be happy,

I need to leave you.

Because I need to love myself.