Infinity
I remember you telling me,
I was better off without you,
that the world was better off
without you.
I remember how those conversations
made my heart stop
and turned my body to lead,
weighing me down with fear.
I remember riding in the car,
my knuckles white,
my stomach in my throat.
Watching you weave in
and out of the lanes.
Years went by and yet
it felt like my life could end
at any moment.
I remember when I was little,
I was sitting on the hallway floor, crying.
You came up to me
and tried to get me to smile.
How sweet.
Until I didn't immediately cheer up.
Then, you were mad at me,
which made me cry harder.
I remember the call,
that you were in the hospital.
You ran your bike into a wall.
You were pretty beat up.
Your face bruised and swollen,
just like my heart.
Like father like daughter.
I remember leaning against my door,
listening for footsteps.
Scared to come out
while you wandered around the house.
I didn't want to see you like this,
slurring your words
and looking so miserable.
But I still loved you.
I remember our competitions.
Pointing to our eyes,
then our hearts,
then each other.
Racing to see who could gesture
I love you first.
I remember arguing.
I would tell you I love you more
then you would disagree and say,
I love you most.
I remember how we made
infinity our thing.
To infinity and beyond,
that's how far our love stretched.
I remember in the summer
when I'd beg for underdogs on the swings,
and you always delivered.
How we'd collect berries from the trees
and make pie that turned our teeth purple.
Taking Champ for walks around the block,
and our bike trips
going between my two favorite parks.
I remember all the good times,
and I love you deeply for them.
But I also remember all the bad.
Did you love me?
You told me you did,
all the time.
But, the fear
and the guilt,
and the sadness
you brought into our house
wasn't a very good indication.
You shouldn't have scared me.
You shouldn't have endangered me.
You shouldn't have abandoned me.
I'm your daughter.
You should have been there for me.
You're supposed to take care of me
I shouldn't have had to take care of you,
that wasn't my job.
Yet, it was job.
I shouldn't have had that responsibility.
You made me feel like I wasn't enough.
That's not okay.
I deserved better.
But I forgive you,
because I love you.
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