Inner Innocence

Since being the first child in my family, I’ve always been treated as an adult.

And if truth be told, I didn’t quite return those feelings.

I often felt like a child more than an adult in certain times.  

And my messy bedroom reflected these thoughts.

It wasn’t till 2017 that I was left with the responsibility of taking care of my family.

My mom was diagnosed with a chance of thyroid cancer.

After getting it surgically removed, she was left feeling homesick.

My parents are both Mexican immigrants who left their country during their 20’s for a better future.

On the summer of 2017, I lost my inner innocence.

It was only my mother, my two younger brothers, and I, who traveled to Mexico I order to finally witness our culture.

But also, for my mom to feel better once again.

You see, I was never a leader.

I didn’t obtain the confidence or control to be in a leadership position.

The whole time that my mother was embracing me with her tear-filled eyes,

the thought of what will be it like once I returned back home never left my mind.

A caregiver is what I would need to become.

I would be the one taking care of my family, not being the child anymore.

My innocence of feeling careless all my life was gone without my mother by my side.

Looking back, at it now I have realized I’ve always been scared of having responsibility in my hands.

It was too much for me.

I adored the idea of just taking care of myself and myself only.

My mother’s absence allowed me to step out of my box and gather the available responsibility near me.

With losing my inner innocence, I became the responsible and fearless person I am today.